I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
