So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
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