Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
