FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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