Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
