Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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