What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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