Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
