I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
