you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
