and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
