There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
