this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
