I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
