The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
