It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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