Fine. I'll sleep in my office
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
