Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
