the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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