kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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