how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
