got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
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