: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
