Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
