I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
