I hate your face
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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