Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
