update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
