she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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