I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
