We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
