This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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