Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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