1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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