I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
this will be a night to untag.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
