just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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