new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
