Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
