well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
