Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
