I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is