too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.