So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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