I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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