Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
