Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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