It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
and you fell through a lawn chair
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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