Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
