I wish I could punch you in the face.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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