I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
