I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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