Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
