Apparently you make a good broom.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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