dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
