I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
