So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
