No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
