We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You are the jesus of drinking
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
