Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I smell stomach acid.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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