Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Randomize
