in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I want to be your penis for a week.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
