The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
