imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
