im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
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