I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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